It's not exactly like I'm choosing

I'm the one who wants
A speed freak

The one who lives with his mother
In the trailer park
The one who rarely leaves
His room until way after dark

The one who’s already father
To another woman’s child
But I am the one who won’t
Get hooked Hep C or defiled

I know what you’re thinking
But there are exceptions to the rules
And I’m the one that it’s different for
I’m the one who won’t be the fool

Or caught sittin at home with a baby
Or a with a disease or in Jail
Or the one scrounging around
Doin what they can to get the bail

Because he’ll pay the child support
If I can just get him out
Believe me that’ll not be me
Of that I’m sure and have no doubt

Because I’m the one with a future
I’m only doin this a little while
I’m the one who wants the speed freak
At least he makes me smile

You don’t understand
It gets lonely out here
It’s nice to have someone close
It’s nice to have someone near

Who doesn’t expect much from me
Someone with whom it’s not a test
It’s only for a little while you’ll see
I’ll get back on track to doing my best

But for now it’s my life and I’ll do
What I want and be what I want to be
It’s not exactly like I’m choosing
Between freedom and a life of

Long suffering tragedy


Neils
*
the afternoon of
06/16/2006
to
7:56 pm
06/25/2006



N....again

What do you do

What do you do

When you’re never wrong
What do you do when you’re always right
What do you do when you’re the only one
Holy enough to fight the good fight

What happens when everyone else is stupid
And you’re the only smart one around
What happens when they get upset
That you set in motion actions to take them down

How do you handle being constantly insulted
What happens when nobody else is good enough
What happens when the going gets hard and rough
But you’re the only one trust worthy and tough

What do you do

When you have no real friends
Only individuals to be used for the cause
What happens when you’re brain keeps
Racing ahead and never taking time to pause

To think about what you’re losing
Might be more than what you’re trying to gain
And that anger although many times appropriate
Can also be a but a cover for fear and pain

What about when it’s not about the details
But the life river running underneath
Does knowing how to use a knife mean
You don’t know when to use the sheath

What happens to purpose and friendship
When the trail tears at your body and soul
Where do you go for repair and rest
How do you find a way back to the whole

Is there no room for light and laughter
Is there no room for happiness and hope
Isn’t there something besides targets
That comes into view

Within a good man’s scope


Neils
1:18 pm
06/04/2006
*
transcribed this time
7:45 pm
06/24/2006


N...again

I stood right here

I stood right here
I tried to give you a choice
A way to express yourself
A way to find your inner voice

But all you did was burp out loud
You already bought into crude
Maybe it was funny a little
But mainly it’s just pushy rude

You got all the potential
One child could have in the world
But it’s almost like you’re afraid
Of being a beautiful intelligent girl

Afraid to exercise or read books
Or go someplace besides to get stoned
It’s like you might find out
You have to do some of it alone

You keep hanging out
Just getting by
But sooner or later
You’ll be what’s in your eyes

I stood right here
I tried to give you a choice
A way to express yourself
A way to find your inner voice

I took you to my art show
And you did pretty good
You helped you looked around
Sort of like I knew you would

But you’re not showing any
Initiative to maintain connections
That’ll broaden your horizons
Help you better compass your direction

I stood right here
I tried to give you a chance
To give you something better
Than merely another pass the time dance

I don’t know where you’re going
I don’t know what you’re doing
But it would be a lie from me
If I kept out and out pursuing

Some things you got to want
To better your part
But as usual they’ll take work
And a whole lot of heart

Not what you already have
No not that kind
But the other stuff you have to
Go looking to find

It’s where you might discover
Talent hopes and dreams
And a way to accomplish them
If you develop the means



Neils
4:56 pm
06/16/2006
*
transcribed this time
10:31 am
05/17/2006

N...again

Butter Beans and Ham

Butter Beans and Ham
Or How The Pig Got Loose

So just about the time
Everything can go alright
That’s when he decides
To sneak off at first light

And of course he lied to do it
Of course he said something else
But I guess that’s the way it goes
When you only think about yourself

First time ever he came up
With his fair share of the rent
And presto change-o bags get packed
And then there’s that money to be spent

And it seems like it won’t be
On keeping his word to a friend
Nope standards gotta go all wobbly
And everything kinda sorta depends

On what his brooding mood is
On what he feels like doing
No longer are there grounded basics
Or higher goals worth pursuing

****
****

Nope he’s gonna say he had to
Had no other choice or whatever flies
It’s amazing when one decides to be
Stupid ….what one can rationalize

He snuck right out in the morning
With sleep still in his eyes
Because there's absolutely nuthin
That small selfish self can't alibi

He said we were going to talk
But now I have to let myself see
That that was just something he was
Saying just to put the shine on me

That was just something he said
So I would say ok and go to sleep
Till the night past and it came time
For his famous fade away creep

Yeah apparently it had been his plan
For more than a while
That come pay day he’d split
Leaving that warm friendly memory

Of his fake half-baked smile

I want to kick his ass
I want to love him for real
But Hell he's got to rip me off
Even when I was given him a good deal


Neils
*
written from
04/21/2006
3:54 pm
05/26/2006
*
to the present
10:45 am
06/17/2006

N....again